Chappell Roan Recalls Feeling ‘Suicidal for Years’ While Growing Up and Being Told ‘You Need God’

Chappell Roan has come a long way with embracing her queer identity.

In a new interview with The Guardian, the 26-year-old “Red Wine Supernova” singer-songwriter opened up about her upbringing in Missouri, specifically feeling as though she couldn’t outwardly be her true self — and being encouraged to turn to religion.

“I was so desperate to feel understood,” Roan told the outlet. “I pushed down the gay part of myself so deep because I was like, that can’t possibly be me.”

The time period felt “very, very lonely” for the MTV VMA winner. “When I was growing up, it was like, ‘Gay means flamboyant, gay man’ and lesbian means, ‘Butch girl who looks masculine’. There was not an array of queerness,” she said.

Roan added, “And I was very mentally ill – suicidal for years – and not medicated, because that’s just not a part of midwest culture. It’s not: ‘Maybe we should get you a psychiatrist.’ It’s: ‘You need God. You need to pray about that.’”

Not only has the performer since publicly and personally embraced her sexuality, but she’s also earned success with hit songs featuring lyrics about queer romance, including “Casual” and “Good Luck, Babe!”

However, Roan’s career has come with its own set of hardships. Recently, she’s been public about her experiences with certain fans who display “predatory behavior” and asked her listeners for privacy and respect.

After she opened up about the pressure that’s come along with her newfound celebrity status, fellow stars including Lorde, Sabrina Carpenter and Charli xcx have reached out with advice to give Roan about handling fame.

Still, the pressures and difficulties of entering the music industry can be difficult — and Roan wonders “how anyone would” handle the drastic life transition. “I’m in therapy twice a week. I went to a psychiatrist last week because I was like, I don’t know what’s going on,” she said.

Roan continued, “She diagnosed me with severe depression – which I didn’t think I had because I’m not actually sad. But I have every symptom of someone who’s severely depressed.”

Becoming famous has led the “Hot to Go!” artist to feel as though her “whole life is changed” since beforehand. “Everything that I really love to do now comes with baggage,” she said.

“If I want to go thrifting, I have to book security and prepare myself that this is not going to be normal,” added Roan. “Going to the park, pilates, yoga — how do I do this in a safe way where I’m not going to be stalked or harassed?”